Why Christian women should be picky (and so should men)

Todd Hertz

February 14, 2011

Love this, Todd. I also resent the implication that marrying somebody -- anybody -- is better than singleness. Some people get hung up on requirements that might not really matter, but if you take the commitment of marriage seriously, I think it's wise to be picky. A lifetime can be pretty long.

Lina Padilla
February 14, 2011

Better to have some kind of standards - than no standard at all. I believer if a single person honors God by her/his purity - out of obedience and concern for His glory - God will honor him/her with a godly wife/husband.

February 14, 2011

Kudos! It's good to see this sort of conversation relevant to singles. Thx

Adam Shields
February 14, 2011

As someone that married relatively young (24) and has been married a while (14 yrs), but still has a good number of single friends, my thoughts when I read the Her.menutics blog post was that the issue seems to be a focus on the wrong things. <br><br>What people ususally are focused on, looks, jobs, income, height, etc. Are often not the things that are important to marriage. So I am fairly in favor of people agreeing to dates when they are asked. I agree that some people's standards of what they are looking for really is unrealistic. But the issues where people usually don't hold true, another Christian, good attitudes, stable, ability to commit, not sleeping around before marriage, etc., seem to be the ones that people are encouraged to ignore.<br><br>I am all for high standards, just high standards on things that will matter. <br><br>(And no, as much as I love my marriage, I do not believe everyone needs to be married to be an adult, or have children to understand love, or any of the other drivel that often is mistakenly shared as advice.)

Brooklyn Cravens
February 14, 2011

I think if your friends have a problem with the fact you want a girl that's committed to Christ (2 Corinthians 6:14), wants a family (guess what all of the Ten Commandments in Deuteronomy are based on? Family!), and desires purity (Proverbs 31 and all of Song of Solomon), it sounds like their basis is a little off. <br><br>I mean, it's kinda strange that they are being picky about being picky as a single, given they are married. I've seen lists that are technical and redundant. Your three things don't even make a true list. You're just following Scripture.<br><br>Fascinating study and great post, Todd!

February 14, 2011

I am a relative newlywed (1 1/2 yrs) but I had spent a decade as a single before meeting my husband. I got married at the tender young age of 37. :-) I agree with bethanyk. I think that the implication that marrying somebody---anybody is better than singleness is wrong, wrong, WRONG. Have requirements that matter, take the commitment of marriage very seriously. I was often told as a single that I was "too picky". I replied that I had to be choosy in picking out a husband because marriage was a lifetime commitment and you should be picky about that.

Todd Hertz
February 15, 2011

I think you are right on, Brooklyn. I think so many people look at marriage as the end goal -- and you do whatever you must to get there, even if that means surrendering your convictions. Sad.

February 16, 2011

There's a lot of talk about the issue of being too picky, but no one seems to be commenting on this statement that really underlies the root problem:<br><br>"We’ve made finding a marital partner into a magical scavenger hunt for that irreplaceable and perfect other half of our heart. "<br><br>Choose the one you love, love the one you choose. <br><br>

September 7, 2015

Love the non-victim blaming tone of this article, but I think there's another important angle to be explored: the relative numbers of available Christian single men vs. women. In every church I have ever been to there are scores of single women and a few or no single men. In general, as a single 33 year old Christian woman, whenever I meet an interesting Christian man who has the sort of character qualities I'm looking for in a husband, he is already married.

So although there might be some Christian women who over-romanticize what they are looking for, my take is that most have already pared their 'list' to the bone and still found no eligible partners. We just have to be honest about the fact that there are simply not enough Christian men to go around and so there will always be Christian women who would like to be married but who can't. And correspondingly, in general Christian men will benefit from the wider selection of Christian women available to them. So it's even more important not to victim blame single Christian women for not settling--the fact that they are still single may very well be the result of their commitment to marry a fellow Christian.

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